Step One
The Initial Step In The Journey To Recovery
1. We Acknowledged Our Lack Of Control Over All Mind-Altering Substances — That Our Lives Had Become Unmanageable
During the first 18 months of my recovery journey, my perception of the initial step was quite different from what it is now. Back then, I had a broad understanding of being powerless over my substance use. I believed that my unusual physical reaction to alcohol and drugs, or craving phenomenon, rendered me powerless, while my relentless mental obsession led to my life being unmanageable. Based on this reasoning, once the mental obsession was lifted, I would no longer consume alcohol or drugs, preventing abnormal reactions, and my life would become manageable. Everything was fine for a year and a half until I started to lose touch with the initial step.
I began experiencing significant discomfort. I found myself easily irritated by people and situations and felt a persistent sense of dissatisfaction. I became disenchanted with both recovery and life. Ironically, I was sponsoring numerous men, attending at least five meetings weekly, and held a service role at my home group — yet something was amiss. Today, I refer to that missing element as the experiential insight into my spiritual malady, current unmanageability, or conscious separation from God. The distress and suffering I went through during this period led me to seek guidance from someone with a different comprehension of the initial step — a three-dimensional viewpoint, not just a two-dimensional one. Page 64 of The Big Book states, “We have been not only mentally and physically ill, we have been spiritually sick. When the spiritual malady is overcome, we straighten out mentally and physically.” Clearly, the book’s authors emphasize a three-part issue.
I was introduced to the idea that I am powerless due to a combination of physical craving, mental obsession, and spiritual malady. This can cause my life to become unmanageable from an internal viewpoint first, potentially manifesting in my external life later. This spiritual malady, a conscious separation from God, is evident in the unmanageability of my life — strained personal relationships, judgment of others, fear, misery, depression, feeling useless, inability to earn a living, discontentment with my work, incapacity to be genuinely helpful to others, inability to manage my emotions, and general unhappiness. This internal state is fertile ground for mental obsession. Once I realized this, I developed a renewed willingness and urgency to grow spiritually because in a spiritually unfit condition, my old master, crack cocaine, lies in wait, ready to catch me off guard. Today, it disguises itself as the spiritual malady — my current unmanageability.
Consequently, I find it essential to examine my current unmanageability annually because only by shining light on the darkness can we embrace it and move forward. As part of this reflection, I revisit my powerlessness over cocaine and alcohol and reconnect with my initial step experience on all three levels: Physical, mental, and spiritual. This fresh experience propels me into the subsequent steps, which carry me into the spiritual realms of steps 10, 11, and 12. The initial step is the cornerstone of personal recovery. With a solid foundation in the initial steps, we can construct fulfilling and meaningful lives, walking hand in hand with both light and darkness, avoiding the illusion that darkness does not exist. Darkness can be a powerful spiritual tool used by God to refine our character, but we must comprehend and experience the initial step on all three levels to evolve through this process.
When I consume alcohol and drugs, I lose the power, choice, and control over how much I take. When I sobered up, as I always did, I couldn’t keep away from the first one no matter how strong the need or desire — this is my physical and mental powerlessness. These are symptoms stemming from a broken, unmanageable internal condition caused by my spiritual malady. The program and our personal relationship with God address the internal condition and halt the mental and physical aspects of the illness. This is how I acknowledge to myself that I am an alcoholic and addict. I must relinquish the idea that someday I will control and enjoy my substance use and shed the belief that I will ever be like non-addicts and non-alcoholics — physically, mentally, or spiritually. This is the initial step in the journey of recovery.
