Step Eleven
The Eleventh Step in the Recovery Program
11. Through prayer and meditation, we sought to enhance our conscious connection with God, as we personally understood Him, asking solely for insight on His desires for us and the strength to fulfill them.
“Silence is God’s first language.” -John of the Cross, a 16th-century Christian mystic
Some time ago, I admitted to myself that I am an addict. Once I started down this path, the steps were laid out in front of me. I tidied up my life and started to place my faith in God. I engaged in helping others. I made it a point to pray every day. However, I struggled with meditation, despite my efforts. I tried repeatedly, but it seemed out of reach. Every few weeks, I would attempt to sit still for a short while, only to grow restless as my mind flitted like a crow, attracted by every shiny distraction within a cluttered mind. Frustration set in, and I eventually gave up.
This cycle persisted for nearly nine months. While I had abstained from substances, I began to experience profound distress. My mind was tormented by the actions others should or should not take. “Mark shouldn’t speak to me that way!” or “This isn’t how things should work!” or “Doesn’t she know how to act?” The world didn’t align with my expectations. My circumstances didn’t satisfy me. People seemed ignorant, insensitive, and generally (edited for vulgarity). Something needed to change, and that something was me.
There are 12 steps. The reality is this: I had completed 11 and a half of them. Meditation was neglected. Yet it was evident from my experiences that 95.8% completion wasn’t sufficient for a genuine addict like myself. With the help of a good sponsor, I realized I needed to truly embrace meditation. The technique wasn’t crucial — whether it be focusing on the breath, chanting, or quiet attentiveness. I was guided to follow whichever method God directed me towards.
I initiated a daily practice of 20 minutes of centering meditation each morning. I set a timer and remained still, regardless of what happened. This proved challenging for several weeks. Then, things began to shift — twenty minutes no longer felt lengthy. Life became more manageable. I was less susceptible to the fluctuations and unpredictability of everyday life. Here are some beliefs I held previously: “I’m a good meditator because my mind is calm,” or “Meditation is extremely difficult,” or “I’m not skilled at meditating.”
All these beliefs are untrue. Moreover, they are somewhat naïve. You see, they are untrue (and naïve) because there is no such thing as good or bad meditation. To excel at meditation, one simply needs to practice it consistently — at a designated time each day, for a specified duration. This is the true standard and essence of what is termed “good” meditation. The Big Book is explicit in the guidance for the 11th step: “We alcoholics are undisciplined. So we let God discipline us in this simple way…” (page 88).
May God bless you.
– Anonymous
